Pessimism is for Lightweights by Salena Godden

Author:Salena Godden
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781912722464
Publisher: Rough Trade Books

Sushi

Do you remember the first time a man fed you sushi? It was a long time ago. Do you remember? He took you to the new Japanese restaurant. A bright and gladly lit place where the food goes around on a conveyor belt. Do you remember watching the food going around? Each plate of food assembled on rainbow plates just like the pictures on the wall. Do you remember the first bite? The first taste? The snap of pink ginger. The tuna was red as watermelon, but the texture, it was like his wet red tongue, but cold, raw, fish. Then the hard slap was wasabi, the sting, your nose tingling with blood. Do you remember the first time he hit you? Do you remember the first time you had sushi? The first time you were slapped? Do you remember the shock of the first time you were slapped by a man? Do you? Do you remember the heat? And the sushi? Your hot cheek. Stinging. Do you remember the pop of orange eggs? Do you remember the first time you had sushi? How strange is hot wine though, you said. Hot wine? It’s not hot wine, he said. It is sake. Not wine. Sake. So embarrassed. Red cheeks. Do you remember? Do you remember you said sorry? Sorry. You said sorry the first time you were hit by a man. Remember how you apologised and how he cried, and you said sorry again. And he went very quiet and thundery and you felt guilty in his weather. Do you remember the guilt you felt the first time you made a grown man cry for hitting you? He cried. Do you remember making a grown man cry? Do you remember you did that? Remember the first time you saw a man in tears? How you’d never seen a man cry before, and you didn’t know men cried like that, like girls, shaking shoulders, eyes all full up of sad and tears and, plop-plop-plop, tears weaving through his grown man bristles. His rough man cheeks all wet and it was your fault. You made him cry. You did this. He loves you so much. Sorry you said. Your cheek still hot. The inside of your arms bruised from him holding you and shaking you. Shaking you and shaking you like a wet dog. Shaking you blue. Blue bruises. Purple bruises. Green bruises. All colours down the inside of your arms. Bruises in fingerprints. You could see each fingerprint in the bruises where he held you tight and shook you and shook you. And it’s your own fault. You’re too wilful. You’ll lose him if you aren’t careful. Because he’s ten years older than you, so he knows what real love is. And he paid for dinner and you had sushi and it’s posh. And it’s raw fish. And you didn’t know sushi was raw fish because you’re fifteen and he’s twenty five and he knows things about the big wide world. And later he was all drink up, drink fast, eat this and eat that.

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